Review of Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (2007) by Jonathan B — 15 Aug 2014

A lot of buzzing around, but this picture is about Marisa Tomei's nipples, and they're what you'll remember the next day. Her boobs are spectacular, maybe too spectacular for her age, so I assume they're fake, but who cares. Right at the beginning of the movie there's a scene right out of Nip/Tuck, with Philip Seymour Hoffman, as much a fatty as me, humping Marisa from behind stark naked. He's giving her the Dr. Christian Troy rear end humpty dumpty thump--he just shoves it in over and over like he'd rather be watching Joy Behar--and a body double for Tomei acts as though it's the most incredible sex ever invented. She tears at pillows on the bed and shakes her head like Hoffman's dick is 8 feet long. Sorry, that's the best part of the whole thing.

Ethan Hawke is terrific as usual, but being a wimp just isn't his thing. Not his fault. He's in it to win it. Hoffman is a smarmy self-indulgent prick. How did he land Tomei as his wife??? The man drives a RED SAAB! Naturally she's having an affair, but once a week, on Wednesdays, with his brother? Albert Finney joins the DeNiro and Donald Sutherland phone-it-in club. The last scene where he does something that requires real strength is just a joke.

Finally, or should I say finalemente in tribute to Marisa, who hails from my birth neighborhood, what a piece of ass as we say here, Sidney Lumet, oh man, dude, give it up. The camera positions are fuhgeddubouddit. This man made Dog Day Afternoon! But of course that was ages ago. Sidney! Stick to the tits. Your "Attica Attica" days are over.