Review of Closer (2004) by Planetfall — 16 Apr 2018

I would not have watched this film had I not been forced to. It has the same understanding of relationships as a teenage boy overdosing on red pills - that is to say, that they are fundamentally antagonistic and sex is the only thing that matters. I might be able to overlook such a vile outlook were it a minor part of the movie, but unfortunately these relationships are the entirety of the film with no alternative model presented or any commentary to the effect of "yo, this is bad, don't do this." The tone is much more akin to an unchallenged cry of "Love is fake, sheeple! Stop pretending to feel things for people other than 'horny'!".

Every relationship in the movie is depicted so briefly before disintegrating, and demonstrated to be so devoid of caring, that it was impossible for me to get invested in any of them. Nor was any character interesting or relatable or goodhearted enough to care whether their future turns out well. It all results in the story being pointless and devoid of meaningful tension (making the audience ill at ease with the constant shouting does not count), and while I get that these themes are the point, it baffles me that anyone thought that "the audience is disengaged *by design*" was even in the same multiverse as something that looks like a good idea if you squint at it and lower your standards.

To provide some token positivity, a certain scene involving an online chat room got a chuckle out of me. Aside from those few minutes, it was a dreadful viewing experience that I would not recommend to a mortal enemy.