Review of Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017) by Patrick L — 20 Oct 2017

"If Fox does decide to move forward and make "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Return of Diaper Hands", I don't wanna hear about it".

DVD Movie Review: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul.

Date Viewed: September 7 2017.

Directed By David Bowers (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, Astro Boy and Flushed Away).

Screenplay By Jeff Kinney and David Bowers, Based on the book by Jeff Kinney.

Starring: Jason Drucker, Charlie Wright, Alicia Silverstone, Tom Everett Scott, Owen Asztalos, Wyatt and Dylan Walters, Joshua Hoover, Chris Coppola, Kimberli Lincoln, Mira Silverman and Mimi Gould.

Once upon a time, Alicia Silverstone had a promising career. She was the star of the hit teen comedy classic "Clueless" but her career came to a crashing halt when she played Batgirl in "Batman & Robin". Twenty years later, who would've thought that Silverstone would partake in another bad fourthquel to a sagging film franchise. I've never read nor was I into the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" books but millions of kids around the world really like the books a lot. The books might've been clever and funny but I never understood the success of this series. When the first "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" came out, it received mixed reviews but the same kids who loved the books also enjoyed the movie which was followed by two sequels (Rodrick Rules and Dog Days). I watched the first three "Wimpy Kid" films for the first time back in August and they were pretty lame and predictable. The three "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" films certainly weren't classics but at least they were passable children's entertainment compared to this criminally unfunny road trip enterprise.

The fourth film in the series "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul" is such a disaster, somebody must've replaced the director with a whiny and out-of-control 7-year-old boy. "The Long Haul" ignited a controversy several months back when the first trailer for was released online, it received major backlash for overhauling the entire original cast. Those "Wimpy Kid" buffs were so enraged by this movie, they refused to even see it because of the casting changes. They had every right to be displeased with "The Long Haul" because it is lumberingly unfunny and it is filled with pee, poop and vomit jokes. What's the matter film? Did those cheese-touch jokes went way out of style? All the charm and humor that made Jeff Kinney's very popular book series so successful is completely absent here. Why? I guess Jeff Kinney didn't care about the very material he treasured to his millions of readers because he's also listed as the co-writer of this abomination. To me that's just really bad fan service.

"Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul" takes place a year after the events of the last movie where we find Greg Heffley (Jason Drucker), his friend, Rowley (Owen Asztalos) and his family in a McDonald's-esque restaurant that's mostly suited for kids. When his mother, Susan Heffley (Silverstone) demands him to rescue his young brother, Manny (Wyatt and Dylan Walters) who gets stuck while playing inside the kiddie tube, when Greg lands in the colored-ball pit, he searches for Manny but what he finds instead is a diaper attached to his hand. That's nice movie! REALLY NICE! Suddenly, everybody in the restaurant starts to record and post the footage online dubbing poor Greg Heffley as Diaper Hands. Really people! This is how you treat a child who has a diaper stuck in his hand, you instantly destroy and humiliate him by sending footage of him to YouTube and dubbing him Diaper Hands. That's enough for this kid to commit suicide but since this a family, road-trip picture, "The Long Haul" must be commenced!

When Greg learns about a video game Player Expo taking place not far from grandma Meemaw's (Mimi Gould) place, he uses his family's trip to Meemaw's 90th birthday party as an excuse to sneakingly attend the Player Expo because a very famous internet gaming star named Mac Digby (Joshua Hoover) will be attending. Greg loves video games but his mother really doesn't. Susan Heffley is anti-video games, anti-iPhone, anti-iPad, anti-computer, anti-junk food, anti-pop and rock music (unless it's "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, which annoyingly plays twice in this movie). Throughout this whole road trip, Susan is either needy and self-destructively bossy and makes her kids eat the kinds of foods they should be eating. Oh yeah, there's also Greg's obnoxious older brother, Rodrick (Charlie Wright) who always picks on him and looks and sounds like an even less-talented Adam Driver and then we have Greg's father, Frank Heffley (Tom Everett Scott) who just can't seem to get work out of his mind. The role of Frank Heffley was previously played by Steve Zahn who'd rather chose to do another 20th Century Fox sequel "War for the Planet of the Apes" over this dismal misfire.

During his family road trip, Greg gets involved in more zany antics like spilling a bag of Cheetos into a motel hot tub which turns his skin, Donald Trump orange and when he storms out of his dirty motel room to demand a group of siblings to stop making so much loud noise, the eldest sibling rams a trolley which was meant for Greg into their daddy's car. When a fat beardo named Mr. Beardo (Chris Coppola) comes out of his motel room to find a scratch on his car, he angrily wants to know who did it. His daughter blames Greg for the scratch on her daddy's car but Greg says it's not true. Instead of resolving the situation like a normal adult would, Mr. Beardo goes after Greg for the scratch on his car but he manages to outrun him and return to his room. Again film, REALLY! You couldn't find a better name for this angry and fat beardo than Mr. Beardo? I guess this series has really gone bankrupt because not only does this film rely so much on pee, poop and vomit jokes, it also recycles gags from other family movies like "The Sandlot". It especially rips-off the famous park-ride/puking scene from "The Sandlot" and this film even parodies the famous shower scene from "Psycho" because yeah, like little kids are going to know what "Psycho" is.

Speaking of park rides, Greg and his family do attend a county fair which of course is going to have park rides, contests, food stands and cetera. When Mr. Beardo coincidentally finds Greg, he goes after him again but Greg manages to outrun him again. Beardo give up your personal vendetta, your car only suffered a scratch and Greg is just a kid. Greg and his family didn't have much to do at the fair but Manny did manage to win a pig because yeah, like this film needed a pig. Manny's new friend causes all sorts of disasters like pooping in the family van and eating a good chunk of hotel food and beverages. "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul" is barely a film, it just feels like a 90-minute road trip to hell, come to think it, a road trip to hell would be a lot more entertaining than this "Long Haul". Here's one thing about this film that doesn't make any sense, back in the third movie Greg was starting to have a teenage voice but in this film, he has a child voice again. That aspect makes no sense whatsoever and it severely damages the timeline between the third and fourth installments of this series.

"The Long Haul" was directed and co-written by David Bowers who previously helmed the second and third "Wimpy Kid" installments, "Flushed Away" and "Astro Boy". Bowers made no attempt to look back at the books and see what was still fresh because he didn't care as well. To quote Eddie Murphy from "48 Hrs.", "Let's see what we can f$&@ with next!". I guess that was the basis for making this painfully unfunny sequel and angering those who adored the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" books. The kid actors are terrible and Tom Everett Scott and Alicia Silverstone seem hopelessly lost here. If Fox does decide to move forward and make "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Return of Diaper Hands", I don't wanna hear about it.