Review of Elf (2003) by Tarma T — 11 Nov 2014

I'm not even sure how to rate this film. On the one hand I do drag it out and watch it every year. On the other hand I then remember by the end that I really don't like it that much. I mean on the one hand you've got a pretty cute opening bit with elves and Santa and some really great music. And then you've got this... manchild. This socially maladjusted manchild with no awareness and apparently no particular concern for the comfort or feelings of the people around him. Perhaps it's just that I'm too good at putting myself into the shoes of the characters, and in this case I find it utterly unbelievable how Buddy managed to work his way into the lives of either his father or his girlfriend. Let's take his girlfriend first. Her first introduction to him is when he - a thirty year old man - starts *screeching* in the middle of the workplace. Then a couple of "yes it is!" "no it isn't!" "yes it is!" "no it isn't!" type arguments - from a thirty year old man. Then he starts 'singing' in the middle of the store - badly, and making up a nonsense song. As a thirty year old man. *And then he follows her into the shower room*. As a thirty year old man. Ho.lee. SHIT, no. And THEN he VERBALLY AND PHYSICALLY ASSAULTS SANTA and traumatizes a bunch of small children. Noooooooooo. NOBODY outside of this movie is ever going to date someone who's set off that many red flags in that short of a time span.

Then there's dad. He gets the singing thing too. From a thirty year old man. Who proceeds to go on and on about the North Pole. Then he gets lingerie. From his thirty year old son who thinks he's from the North Pole. Then he gets a phone call from the police telling him that his thirty year old 'son' is in prison and needs to be bailed out. Again, it's reeeeeeeeally stretching my ability to suspend my disbelief, yes, even in a Christmas movie, to ask me to believe that what dad actually *would* do in this situation is say "I'm not his dad, thanks anyway and bye.".

And let's take the dad on another point while we're at it. Dad has a very nice job but because he's an asshole he fucks up very close to Christmas. He has to bust his ass to fix things "or else". Except that he's not the one busting his ass. His writers are, and the new writer he calls in gives him time out of his busy schedule, and then EVERYBODY has to come in Christmas Eve because dad-the-asshole ran the company into a bad spot because he's a lazy jerk - and then we're supposed to feel some magical Christmas spirit because he tells his boss "up yours" and takes off to go find the true meaning of Christmas? Gee yeah, walk out on the rest of the employees and the boss, who all came in Christmas Eve to help you fix YOUR screw-ups, and that will probably have to stay and figure out a way to save the company from losing more money while you go fix the life you also fucked up because you were a selfish jerk right up to the moment when you suddenly had a magical christmas moment. Somehow "the rich asshole gets a happy ending" didn't really touch my christmas spirit. But since everybody else seems to love it, maybe I'm just a big ol' Scrooge.