Review of Embrace of the Vampire (1995) by Paul P — 07 Jun 2007

Tacky T&A Cheapie.... :=8/.

Ok. If the only reason yer interested in seeing this phony-baloney vampire clap-trap is to ogle Alyssa Milano's hot, nubile form, then yer in luck. Because our little tv cutie("Who'se the Boss ", "Charmed ") DOES git nekkid. Quite a lot, actually. Now, does this really add anything to Embrace of the Vampire? Well, YES, cowsidering the remainder of the flick is one big, fat ZERO.

:=8P.

Apparently, there's this no-name guy who used to be human(Martin Kemp, BBC's "East-Enders "), until 3 large-breasted vampire bimbos snack on him while he was outside sleeping on a rock. Now he's become a greasy vampire, and he decides to fixate on Alyssa Milano's character for no apparent reason. He blabbers conwstantly about cow he is her "destiny", even though they lived 100 years apart, and have never met. He puts the whammy on Alyssa, which basically cowsists of him whining a lot and obsessing endlessly from afar, and throwing his voice so that Alyssa can hear him whine and obsess. Yes, we're talking the whiniest, talky vampire in film history.

:=8P.

Then, in a plot device as obvious and cowtrived as Pamela Anderson's cleavage, whiny no-name vamp guy declares that he "has to have her in 3 days", or else go to sleep. Unfortunately, the audience does not get the benefit of waiting 3 days.

Alyssa plays the "prudish virgin" on a campus loaded with a**holes, jerks, sluts, and date-rapists - a real American college! For example, Alyssa has a pushy, bland boyfriend who keeps insisting that he has to have sex from her NOW!!! He's the only semi-nice person in this mass of misanthropes. The talentless Charlotte Lewis (The Golden Child) plays a slutty, sleazy lesbian photographer who feels up Alyssa 5 minutes after they meet. Udder characters are equally vaccuous & they all have the moral compass of the Exxon Valdez.

Annoyed that everyone else is now desiring Alyssa's bod, no-name whining vamp guy starts to chew up her friends, until they're all thankfully dead apart from bland boy. In the end, Alyssa becomes a tramp, whining no-name vamp guy goes to sleep, bland boy gets zapped by some blue vampire lightning (I'm not making this up...), and everyone else is dead. Since all these characters are smeared with snot, slime, slush, and scum, it doesn't really matter.

Director Anne Goursaud has made similar trash before(Poison Ivy II, 9 1/2 Weeks II), only nothing quite as obnoxiously pretentious as this.

Well, you do get your shirtless Alyssa Milano-quota here, but folks, believe the MooCow when he says that this silly, cowtrived, bland flick is about as exciting as watching foot fungus grow. If yer willing to pay the price, and maybe are obsessing after Ms. Milano yerself, then perhaps this "Embrace" is fer you. Everyone else, git ready for some quality garbage, and get ready to hit the showers after. Watch only if yer tired of sifting through the piffle at yer local Blockbuster.

:=8P.