Review of Evil Dead (2013) by Tristenbrenner — 08 Apr 2013

Introduction that has nothing to do with the rest of the film? Check. Main antagonist is a girl that looks ridiculously like the chick from The Ring? Check. Every five seconds the retards in the movie are duped by the "I promise I'm back to normal! Come help mee ---AARUGHH eatsyourface" ploy? Check. Shock violence made up of the last ten years+ of "horror" movies all balled up into one and for seemingly no reason other than "it was in the book?" Check.

This movie has all the makings of the worst of the worst "horror" movies, yet, this is supposed to be a remake of one of the best? Wait. No, wait. Wait. What?! This is the Evil Dead? This is what we got?

There is literally no homage in this movie what-so-ever except there's a cabin and there's a rape tree. Kudos to the director apparently using no CGI, etc, whatever; but instead he just decided to juxtapose a bunch of stupid-ass scenes of self-mutilation that has been done over and over in movies since forever; oh, but it's not CGI, I guess we forgive him for that.

The whole time this movie was playing I literally kept thinking that Ash was going to come out of the Necronomicon (which is never mentioned by name in this movie or explain in mythology even once) and say, "Wait. You're doing this wrong." and demolish everything. I was seriously thinking that had me played for a fool and that this was all some sort of spoof that was going to be redeemed. But no. That was just the movie.

I hate this. I hate life when this is a movie that exists.