Review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) by Jacobp — 10 Aug 2009

It's always nice when you go to see a movie and expect it to be poor, but it turns to be pretty good. That's what I was expecting of GI Joe. I mean expectations couldn't lower. A movie: based on a cartoon from the 80's: based on a doll for boys.

You can't really sink expectations any lower, so by the viral advertising they've been doing I was half hoping it'd turn out to be fun. It's not so much though; it sort of coasts by on nostalgia.

Had I watched GI Joe as a kid or got into the mythos I imagine I would've gotten a lot more out of it, but instead there's clunky CGI, boring action scenes of which the best are featured in the trailer, the granted bit of military propaganda and jokes you see coming miles away.

The film is about a solider called Duke, who CAN"T ACT to save his soul; numerous times throughout the movie I kept wondering 'What is up with this guy?' He mumbles his dialogue like a sooky boy who can't get his way and he wears the same expression throughout the whole films.

Every time he opened his mouth I could feel my eyebrows going up my head in dread anticipation. Earlier I was saying that I was expecting this movie to be a guilty pleasure but in the end I just felt guilty for wasting 10 dollars on it; Duke is a factor.

If anything, it shows you where rock-hard abs can get you. Marlon Waynes is in it too; he's the buddy of the hero and of course MUST play the comic relief; most of it though is him hitting on the sole female member of GI Joe and her turning him down and also a stupid joke about the difference between white people and black people.

It was odd watching him hitting on that female soldier though; because each attempt was a crude attempt and in reality she would have complained about sexual harassment. Because it is sexual harassment! It's not funny; do not think it's okay to do.

Anyway, by and by, these two knuckleheads join "GI Joe", which is a top secret tier of American government; similar to FOXHOUND or CONTROL from Get Smart or even Team America from Team America.

in order to fight the villain Destro, who's played by the great Christopher Eccleston. Eccleston never mails it in in whatever he's performing and this is no exception. Every so often you get tremendously talented actors who star in atrocious films; like Ben Kingsly in Bloodrayne or Tommy Lee Jones in Hunted; and that's not the case with Eccleston.

This is a bad movie, but he gives it his all, just like everything else he has a hand with. It's nice to see. Anyway, there's a lot of boring, uninspired and completely forgettable shooting and fighting sequences; lots of CGI.

What is it with all this CGI? Why does every movie have it? It's rarely done well. I've only seen it done discernibly in a few films; I miss the days of puppets and animatronics. There's an underwater part of the movie; it's a bit like watching a pixar cartoon.

A poorly done pixar cartoon. At the end of the day, this film is a clone of Team America: World Police, only without the puppets and with zero humour. Team America was made in order to parody dumb, cookie-cutter films like this and It was odd seeing the parallels.

From the cut and run remarks and one-liners they spout, to the scene where the joes are enjoying a little R guaranteed you've seen this movie before. Funnily enough, there's even a scene where the bad guys go to France, and yes: collapse the Eiffel Tower with a rocket propelled grenade.

I would recommend either renting Team America instead of seeing GI Joe or getting into Metal Gear Solid if you want a fantastical take on the military. Big Boss and his sons greatly outweigh both the GI Joe's and the Cobras in terms of style.