Review of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) by Diego T — 08 Aug 2014

If you thought the first Harry Potter movie was bad, wait 'till you get a load of this one. I only ever really grew up on the first three movies of this franchise, so I do have a soft spot for these first two films. But good holy God, looking back, they are unforgivably awful. I don't know what I can say about this sequel other than the fact that I've said it all before: The characters are bland and boring, the acting is laughable, the dialogue sucks, and there's nothing to distinguish this thing from the other movies. Throw in some more bad CGI, a character who takes his cues from Jar-Jar Binks, and some of the most obvious gaping plot holes in the history of cinema, and you have one of the lamest movies ever made.

In this second installment, Harry is about to begin his second year at Hogwarts when a little house elf named Dobby shows up at his home and tells him that he must not return to the school. Dobby has been taking all the mail Harry receives and keeping it, but instead of burning it, he brings it with him to Harry's house. Fucking ingenious. Anyway, after a silly and badly green-screened sequence involving a flying car, we discover that the reason Dobby wanted Harry away from Hogwarts is because a secret chamber within the school called the Chamber of Secrets (who saw that coming?) has been opened, and a horrible monster from within has been released.

I'm going to come out and say it right now: The book this movie was based on wasn't very good at all. It would be my least-favorite in the whole franchise if it weren't for the last two. Its plot is fucking ridiculous: A secret chamber in the school that nobody knows about? Sure, the school is magic, but don't even magic schools need blueprints or an architect of some kind? The notion that there could be a whole section that could go undiscovered (especially when the school isn't that big, geographically speaking) is ludicrous. Also, when the monster is released, it can kill people just by looking them in the eye. But instead, everyone ends up petrified. This is because a series of freakishly convenient coincidences allowed people to see it through cameras, ghosts, mirrors, and water on the floor. That's intelligent plotting for you.

But story aside, this movie still sucks. None of the characters do things that make an ounce of sense. There is a whole sequence in which the three main characters have to assume the identities of a bad guy's goons using a potion and blah blah blah. This doesn't contribute to the plot at all. Also, there is an egotistical fuckhead who spends the whole movie answering his fan mail, yet somehow ends up as a teacher at this incredibly prestigious school. Yeah, that makes sense. It's obvious that he has no idea what the hell he's doing. How did he get this job? It doesn't help that the movie takes painstaking effort to remind us that he is a self-absorbed asshole every five minutes. This film is repetitive to the point of flat-out boredom, and by the time the silly and chaotic final sequence rolls around, nobody fucking cares.

As always, Daniel Radcliffe is a shitty fucking actor. The line "Because nobody DID look it in the eye" is bad to begin with, but the way he says it is overdramatic and physically painful to listen to. Rupert Grint is a whiny little bitch as always ("Follow the spiders? Why couldn't it be follow the butterflies? WAAAH!!!"), and although Emma Watson does her best to save the trio of leads, she's not a good enough actress, at least not at this point in her career. Hermione is a fucking pain in the ass. I didn't recall her being a condescending little bitch in the books, but hey, that's the power of a shitty film adaptation. There are so, so, SO many little logical gaps and bad line deliveries that I could pick apart for this movie, I feel like I should compile a list separate to this review. The only trouble is, it might fill up all the space on the internet.

During the climactic scene, we are treated to a phoenix that somehow can pass through an impassable pile of rubble, a hat that for some reason has a sword in it, the classic "Throw-something-over-there-so-the-bad-guy-chases-it" cliche, and a holographic projection by a diary that is capable of physically picking things up and moving them around. What's hilarious though, is that after this dark and over-the-top series of scenes, we're treated to what is in my opinion one of the worst and most cloyingly sentimental moments in cinematic history: Hagrid's return.

This is a scene I will always remember as one of the worst things of all fucking time. Even when I was seven years old, I had to turn off this movie before it ended just to avoid this horrible finale. Hagrid, for some reason, was accused of summoning the beast (even though he clearly had nothing to do with it, and nobody in their right mind would think that he did). He is sent to prison, but when he returns to Hogwarts, there are literally five whole minutes of main characters clapping, cheering, smiling, tearing up, throwing their hats in the air with joy, and all the fucking shit that is the absolute hallmark of sappy, treacly, family-friendly bullshit like this. This is an ending that is simply BEGGING the audience to facepalm. And if that weren't enough, one of the last lines is "All exams have been cancelled!" Yay! Cheer for the failure of our education system and the teachers who put us in mortal danger merely by allowing us to be in their shitty school! FUCK YOU, CHRIS COLUMBUS! YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!

Final Score for Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: 2/10 stars. This is not full-on anus, but it has very few redeeming qualities and is probably the most childhood rape-y movie in this series (just because I grew up on this one and not the last few films). It is corny, horribly acted, ineptly scripted, ploddingly paced, pointless, idiotic, and-- worst of all-- it once again underuses the power of Alan Rickman. Altogether one of the worst movies in this endlessly shitty franchise, not to mention one of the worst movies of all time.

AND EMMA WATSON STILL ISN'T OLD ENOUGH TO BE HOT YET! Aaaaargh! -1.

STAY TUNED FOR THE THIRD INSTALLMENT OF THIS SPECIAL EDITION OF TUT'S TUTILLATING REVIEWS: HARRY POTTER AND THE RAPE OF MY CHILDHOOD! Coming soon!