Review of Life (2017) by Jpatric — 26 Jul 2017

This film's plot, pacing, and acting is so horrendously bad that it managed to make Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" look like a cinematic masterpiece never before imagined by the most brilliant minds in the industry. I won't spoil the plot for you simply because a five year old could produce better content in the span of two seconds than clearly any imaginative thought that went into this thing disguising itself as a "Movie".

Ryan Reynolds spends the entirety of the film wondering why he's not acting for "Deadpool 2" yet, because even he knows how bad this is and would rather simmer in his frustration as he goes through the motions. He performs as best acting as possible alongside other actors who appear to share similar feelings about the plot and are so ecstatic when one of them inevitably gets killed off because it takes their minds off the nonsense that is "Life".

The ideas presented are a straight, trope-heavy rip of every "Alien" movie ever conceived, and, oh my goodness, the progression is slower than waiting in traffic after a seven thousand car pile up on the highway (which would still have more entertainment value than "Life".

All deaths are telegraphed, and the plot is forcible moved only by extremely unintelligent decisions somehow made by a crew supposedly stocked with geniuses. They managed to qualify as reputable astronauts and yet possess the judgment ability of hedgehogs. This film was so bad that, during sex, I immediately lost my will to continue after having PTSD-like flashbacks on literally any part of this catastrophe.

Thus, I am convinced that the director and writers behind this film are pug canines hiding among us as real people. These pugs have manifested their vision of what a film looks like, regressing humanity itself into a time when silent films were all the rage and people thought Stalin was a cool bro.

If you are still trying to go watch this film after this review, please just donate that money instead to a much better cause, film, or literally anything else far from this illusion. Thanks for your time; have nicest day ever.