Review of Ninja Terminator (1985) by Marcus M — 01 Mar 2017

[[ SPOILERS!!]].

There's almost no way to review the movie Ninja Terminator because it makes no F**king sense. There is a reason for that though, and because two completely unrelated movies were spliced together and voice dubbed to create the weirdest, worst, yet at times badass martial arts movies.

There is the Ninja Terminator story which is garbage, there's a golden statue that has 3 pieces. When the pieces are combined he holder becomes impervious even to samurai swords. Theres a red ninja who you never find out their name and 3 black ninjas. 2 of the black ninjas are middle aged white guys and the third is japanese??? Japanese Ninja ( named Tomashi) gets killed by red ninja and then the splicing begins.

Red Ninjas call up a Yakuza in another movie to kidnap the Tomashis sister as random so the two middle-aged white ninjas will give up their piece of the statue. So Harry McQueen( Richard Harrison A.K.A middles aged white guy ninja) calls a private eye and overall badass in the other movie named Jaguar Wong ( Jack Lam) to help rescue Tomashis sister.

Jaguar Wong is awesome and had it only been his movie it would've been really cool. Instead you go back and forth Jaguar Wong fight, red ninja breaks into Harry McQueen's house, Jaguar Wong fight, red ninja breaks into other middle-aged ninjas house, Jaguar Wong fight etc. until Jaguar Wong rescues Tomashis sister from one of the most ridiculous looking villains ever Tiger Chan a Yakuza who dresses normal, business suit, gloves, nice tie but then there is this bizarre blonde Bob haircut wig which is so ludicrous you can't help but double over in laughter Everytime it's on-screen. Tiger Chan's death is as ridiculous as his wig too as he somehow jumps down with enough force that he gets sticks waist deep in sand and Jaguar Wong kicks him to death.... Maybe death he might've just beat him up.

Oh I didn't forget about the other story going on. Red Ninja challenges both middle-aged ninjas to a showdown. In preparation all three ninjas are testing swords on themselves and they're all invincible; which is Bulls**t because it's already been established that all three pieces are needed. If you're invincible with the one piece who gives a s**t about the other two. ((Deep breath.....Deep breath)).

Dumb five minute fight happens, middle-aged ninja who's name I never learned bites the dust because for some reason they become uninvincible during the fight( not explained). Harry McQueen holds the full gulden ninja statue and the red ninja blows himself up. End. Credits.

What you just read was more coherent t than what I actually saw because I've left out other major continuity problems. Sooooo much reusing footage Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I've never had a movie leave me speechless but Ninja Terminator did it. Do I recommend it? If you want to feel like youve had the men in black memory swipe, this is the movie for you. But if you watch on YouTube and just skip to the Jaguar Wong parts you'll enjoy yourself. I don't know what to make of this movie.

2/5?