Review of Pig (2021) by Themacmeister — 14 Jan 2022

I am unable to comprehend the praise for this film. This movie was scripted by an "idiot in a hurry", and a six-year-old could have scrawled a better storyline than this...

Your protagonist needs to get across town and meet someone?

SIX-YEAR-OLD VERSION: He gets in a car, and he goes to the house and he meets someone. (nice, honest, to-the-point).

SARNOSKI VERSION: He orders his employer to drive him around aimlessly, while he offers takeaway food to a complete stranger, and he continues to force his employer to drive him to an "abandoned underground hotel, which serves as a fight club, where people gamble on whether or not someone can bash a hobo to death in a minute" (WTF??? WTF????).

Nothing the characters do make any sense... the entire storyline of the film hangs from the most tenuous of idea (singular). The first ten minutes of the film may as well have been a black screen, as I have never seen a movie so poorly shot. The lighting does improve as the movie progresses... but all the artsy-fartsy cinematography comes across as completely contrived and unnecessary.

I am beginning to think Sarnovski must have been a failed chef in a former life... the premise that Cage's cooks real name stikes respect and fear in all who hear it - is simply whimsical to the point of being retarded.

Also, the kill-or-be-killed world of non-professional-wild-truffle farming, creating billionaire Mafia Boss oligarchs of Truffles??? really??

I think the title of the film was also the entire script, written in crayon, on the back of a napkin. That is how pathetically written it is. I'm not certain that any of the ambiguous figures that Cage encounters throughout the film are even meant to be mysterious, Sarnovski just couldn't care less.

Thankfully Cage is restrained, offering mainly grunts and stares for the majority of the film. No-one in the movie is believable in their role, leading to a distinct feeling that everyone involved did not want to be in it.

The music choices (especially some classical and modern pieces) are simply atrocious, and only serve to take you out of the movie. The final blue-balls reveal of the finale - nearly made me retch.

If you enjoy going to underground fight clubs, and letting someone mindlessly punch you in the face over and over and over again... you should watch this film - it will have a similar effect.

PS. The Pig is dead... the entire movie is a total blue-balls fake-out. Ah well, at least I got to hear a tragically bad rendition of a Bruce Springsteen song before my hours-long post-movie disappointment.