Review of Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) by Rossmalo — 28 Feb 2020

I find it dubious that there exist very few negative reviews for this film, as I would with any film. My concern has grown since going to watch it. I'm glad the masses found it enjoyable. I, unfortunately, find myself to be one of few (at least vocal) cinemagoers who did not like the film. Leaving the cinema, I was offended. I felt gypped, cheated, mislead, though, happy to see the back of it. To evoke the saying "throw me a bone", this movie showed me its bones, one by one, placed them clumsily into its various pockets and tripped into the sea. I waited for this movie to give me anything, something I could leave with, something to shock me, something I haven't seen before. It gave me the latter, perhaps the most tedious, plodding, most unenjoyable cinema experience in recent memory. I found myself counting the seconds between each line of dialogue delivered. It was comical. I was grasping for threads to follow, themes of substance, anything, I was starving. Maybe that was the point, a realist approach, showing it as it were, I had surmised. I tossed and turned in this manner until I had no longer cared as to construe purpose in the film. Resorting to taking in the pretty pictures, I landed at the conclusion that this was what the film was, and just that. Just as I relaxed uncomfortably, a thought of Barry Lyndon came to my head. Perhaps this film excels at nothing.

As I do with any art related enterprise, I give props to the filmmakers for making art, participating in the craft, and for throwing in their two cents. Offended as I was by the lack of substance within the picture, they provided me with something to get passionate about, even if that may be the distaste for the picture itself. I see this picture called "The perfect film", to that I must conclude this is your first time, there's much more in store for you.