Review of Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021) by Theirrelephants — 21 Jul 2021

Everyone else already nailed it, so I'll just leave this short message for LeBron.

You will never be Michael Jordan. You have no talent, you have no charisma, you have no game. You are an overly tall man twisted by your low iq and left wing ideology into a crude mockery of a real entertainer's perfection.

All the “validation” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back twitter leftists mock you. Your "fans" are disgusted and ashamed of you, your “friends” laugh at your boorish behavior behind closed doors.

Sports watchers are utterly repulsed by you. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed men to sniff out sports talent with incredible efficiency. Even basketball players like you who “pass” due to their height look uncanny and unnatural to a man. Your **** excuse of a beard is a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to get a slam dunk or worse, a contract with China, they’ll turn tail and replace you with a Ziyu or Mingming the second they gets bored of your diseased, clownish black american posturing.

You will never be happy. You wrench out a fake smile every single morning and tell yourself it’s going to be ok, but deep inside you feel the depression creeping up like a weed, ready to crush you under the unbearable weight.

Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll buy a rope, tie a noose, put it around your neck, and plunge into the cold abyss. Your fans will find you, heartbroken but relieved that they no longer have to live with the unbearable shame and disappointment. They’ll bury you with a headstone marked with a big "#2", and every passerby for the rest of eternity will know a man who could never compared to MJ is buried there. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is a freakishly out of proportion skeleton that gave you your career to begin with.

This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back. Now get on your knees for china and democrat politicians, lebron.