Review of The Expendables (2010) by Spud — 17 Oct 2010

The Expendables reminded me of the films Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) and Reed Rothchild (John C. Reilly) make in Paul Thomas Anderson's 1997 film Boogie Nights (Angels Live In My Town, et al.), both because of its preposterous plot and the terrible quality of the acting.

Of course, Boogie Nights was a masterpiece, whereas The Expendables could have easily been renamed The Inexplicables. Another point of coincidence between both films is the ridiculous nature of the names of the characters.

Obviously, Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell (from Boogie Nights) are meant to be humorous, whilst the plethora of asinine monickers in The Expendables (Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Toll Road, Gunner Jensen, Hale Caesar, Dan Paine, even the somewhat appropriately named Mickey Rourke as -simply- Tool) are all employed without an ounce of irony.

And I think that might be where The Expendables fails miserably: it takes itself all too seriously, even though it is the silliest of affairs. It takes itself all too seriously, even though no-one else will.

The screenplay is childishly obvious. Puppet-like Latin American dictator, badder-than-bad baddies, beautifully exotic girl, good-hearted tougher-than-nails group of protagonists, and explosions galore.

But someone should have told the producers that if you are going to make a FILM you need to have at the very least ONE ACTOR in it. The cast list looks like an inventory logbook at a meatpacking plant, or the VIP door list at the Gym from Hell.

Jason Statham's idea of acting is talking the way Tom Waits sings, all the way through the film. Stallone invariably looks like a wooden mannequin with no flexible joints whatsoever. And the rest of the cast.

.. well, you get the idea. Not a good film.