Review of The Girl in the Spider's Web (2018) by Joshua S — 10 Dec 2018

I'm fairly certain nobody asked for this. And I'm DAMN sure Sony didn't want to make it. But here we are. The Girl in the Spider's Web is the latest (and probably) last film adaptation of the Millennium franchise. If you may recall a decade ago, a trilogy of books written by Swedish author Stieg Larson gained a cult following internationally, which was followed by a modestly successful low-budget trilogy of films made in Sweden. Not to be left out of the action, Hollywood (in this case Sony) bought the rights to make their own version of the first book, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. In what could have been a disaster (See: The Snowman) we instead got a generously funded picture helmed by David Fincher, and scored by Trent Reznor, hot off the success of The Social Network. It was another modest victory for the franchise, making a small profit and several academy award nominations, winning one for film editing. But that wasn't enough for Sony, who wanted an unrealistic $500 million, and refused to back a sequel with comparable cost. Meaning all the A-list talent (Fincher, Reznor, Rooney Mara, and Daniel Craig) walked out the door. Any sequel would be made on the cheap and would not be a priority for the studio.

And that's precisely what led us to this pass. The Girl in the Spider's Web. An ill-administered film made years after the franchise had faded, based loosely on a book not written by the creator of the series, by a studio indifferent to its success, and a team not suited for this kind of picture. But credit must be given where it is due. Claire Foy commits admirably to make the best of a doomed situation and must be commended for courage under fire. She is the third actress to play the heroine Lisbeth Salander, and while she is easily the weakest version, she still gives a capable run, dying on a hill no else cared to defend. The film itself makes an inexplicable error - it tries to become an action film in the vein of the Bond series or Mission Impossible. While the Millennium novels have always had connections to 007 (look it up) Lisbeth Salander's adventures were always small scale and slow-burn mysteries. Both the series and the character are ILL EQUIPPED to deal with the game of shadowy terrorist organizations, stolen nuclear codes, dodging explosions, rogue NSA agents, hallway firefights, and chases involving motorcycles and supercars. I shit you not. That is the plot of our Girl with the Dragon Tattoo sequel.

There is a scene early on in which Salander does what she does best - punishing the shit out of assholes who abuse women. And that's probably the best scene of the film, because it is the only one with any pulse. While it's obvious that they probably should have made smaller scale versions of the rest of the original trilogy instead of this misfire, I'm not sure they could even accomplish that. Some characters from the series return in dramatically altered form, such as Mikael Blomkvist, and are largely given nothing to do. Fede Álvarez was successful in his attempt to remake Evil Dead for the 21st century, but it's clear that he was given little freedom here, as there is little to no artistic stamp present. Gone is the neurotic, but charming claustrophobia of the Swedish trilogy or the cold, slick beauty of Fincher's film. What we have is a lifeless, pointless piece of drivel filled to brim with action and double-crosses, yet it remains boring and inert. I highly doubt this is going to get any academy awards. I can't even recommend Spider's Web as a rental or on Netflix. You have better things to do with your time.