Review of The Nutcracker and the Four Realms (2018) by Hnestlyonthesly — 12 Oct 2019

I was under the impression that The Nutcracker and the Four Realms would be The Nutcracker without dancing, but there’s actually a lot of dancing, including basically a PowerPoint in ballet format to (whatever the opposite of clearly and succinctly is?) explain the way in which the evil clown witch unsuccessfully attempted a coup.

No nuts are cracked in this film whatsoever, nor is there any discernible difference between the Nutcracker and any of the other regular people in the world, except for the fact that he’s just about the only black person in that whole world who doesn’t dance ballet. We’re supposed to believe that the Godfather is living in some racial paradise of Edwardian London where no one from the posh crowd of socialites has any problems being hosted by a black man with an unexplained eye patch. The lack of diversity in both of these settings is part of a long, tired line of questioning about whitewashing and sci-fi fantasy: Lando being the only black man in the universe until Solo, everything about Shyamalan’s Avatar the Last Airbender (which I remember kind of liking, actually).

Aside from the weirdness of those two things, there’s this very uncomfortable strain of parental favoritism that runs throughout the film. Morgan Freeman tells Clara that her mother called her her most prized creation, despite the fact that Clara has an older and younger sibling. For some reason, we learn in a lone flashback that Clara’s dead mom seems like she for sure knows Clara is going to have to go to the Four Realms by herself some day, but it’s not one of those wardrobes that sends all the kids at once, apparently. Little Fritz and Louise can go **** themselves, I guess.

Also, Sugarplum acts shady as **** the entire film. No one comments on the fact that she eats her own air at one point. I was really not ready to have Keira Knightley play a sixteen-year old manic pixie for two hours, so I’m grateful that once her evil plans were revealed, she sort of plays it erotic, throws out a few surprisingly mature lines for a kids show: “a boy with a gun and a uniform sends a shiver down my spine.”.

Was it better than I was expecting? That’s a hard thing to say. My expectations were pretty dismal to begin with. I didn’t really feel bored at any moment, but I also wasn’t surprised by anything. Wife says that this was nightmare fuel for her, because of all the mice walking around which no one tries to exterminate. She wishes there had been fewer rodents and much less rodent-friendly propaganda, so take that as you will.