Review of The Running Man (1987) by Ryan H — 12 Jul 2009

Imagine the following scenario if you will. You are having a wonderful, leisurely day with your signicificant other. Then all of a sudden a gang of Oompa-Loompas approach you and start to immediately kick the shit out of you with various blunt objects. This is bad enough. But then to make matters worse Henry Kissinger arrives on the scene. Instead of assisting you (fat chance) he charges for your girlfriend and starts raping her right in front of you while cackling like the amoral bastard he is. This is kind of what this movie feels like. The worse fucking day of your life. However, the problem is that whenever this turd is on TV I watch it. I can't explain it. This is a disease that affects me way too often. Help me. I don't want to watch Over the Top again.

I mean there are so many things wrong with this movie. Richard Dawson, a horrifying script, vomit-colored spandex tracksuits (this movie is like watching some sort of futuristic track meet), Richard Dawson, appalling music, Jesse Ventura not being on camera more, Jim Brown's hair, one liners that make you cringe, the stalkers (the person who designed these characters should be tarred and feathered by The Village People in costume), and I could go on. Although, getting to hear Arnold call Dawson a "cutie pie" makes up for some of that bullshit. Not that much though. The best part of the film is the death of Richard Dawson, but unfortunately it wasn't reality. Regardless it was a hell of a show. The one star is simply for that moment. Well, and the moderately hot female lead. The fact of the matter is that this film's premise had promise, but the execution of the idea was pretty fucking terrible. One of the worst dystopian movies never ribbed by MST3K. Avoid at all costs, unless you plan to destroy it verbally with a friend. I must suffer however. It is too late for me.