Review of Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) by Patrick L — 20 Oct 2017

"I don't know where I am? I don't know where to follow? And I don't know what's happening here?".

Movie Review: Transformers: The Last Knight.

Date Viewed: June 23 2017.

Directed By Michael Bay (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys, Bad Boys II, Pain & Gain, 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi, The Rock and Transformers).

Screenplay By Art Marcum, Matt Holloway and Ken Nolan, Story By Akiva Goldsman, Art Marcum, Matt Holloway and Ken Nolan, Based on Hasbro's Transformers action figures.

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Hopkins, Laura Haddock, Isabela Moner, Stanley Tucci, Jerrod Carmichael, John Turturro, Santiago Cabrera, Tony Hale, Liam Garrigan and Glenn Morshower.

Voices by: Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, Erik Aadahl, John Goodman, Ken Watanabe, Jim Carter, Omar Sy, John DiMaggio, Tom Kenny, Gemma Chan, Reno Wilson, Steven Barr, Mark Ryan, Jess Harnell and Steve Buscemi.

Every year or so we get a big dumb summer movie that possesses no joy, fun or coherence, that big dumb summer movie is of course the latest and hopefully last "Transformers" film from director Michael Bay. Mr. Bay is this really, really, really, really, REALLY! your last "Transformers" movie? Because if you lie to us again by planning to direct another one, I'll be officially done with you. If you thought that the previous three "Transformers" sequels were massively incoherent, well this one is even more so. When I sat through this bloated mess of clashing visuals and numbing action, I thought to myself, I don't know where I am?, I don't know where to follow? And I don't know what's happening here?

As everybody knows, these movies are based on toys and they mostly appeal to adolescent 13-year-old boys. Okay, I enjoyed the first "Transformers" ten years ago but it came out during a time when smart intelligible moviegoers weren't asking for giant robots to go head-to-head with each other. The first film was fun and a giant guilty pleasure but Michael Bay continued to make the same film over and over again with a bigger budget, messy editing, more CGI, more hot female objectification, more bottom-of-the-barrel robot humor and more explosions. The fifth installment entitled "The Last Knight" just features more of what we've seen before with the exception of Optimus Prime going rogue because yeah when a big blockbuster franchise starts to run out of gas (The Fate of the Furious) that's a twist we always fall for.

I've said that this film was incoherent but let me give you some descriptions on what happens in "The Last Knight", a big bad female alien-sorceress wants to scrape this thing on the Earth, six huge mechanical horns pop up in different parts of our planet, robots are fighting each other and King Arthur and Merlin are in this movie? Speaking of English royalty, Sir Anthony Hopkins what the hell were you thinking of when you agreed to sign on to a "Transformers" movie?

Isn't it amazing to hear Anthony Hopkins read tons of exposition about how the "Transformers" re-created our history and utter the words "Megatron", "Optimus Prime", "Dude" and "What a bitchin' ride!". When we all witnessed the trailers for "The Last Knight", you probably thought to yourself: "WOW! The Transformers are teaming up with King Arthur and are battling Nazis!". Sorry to tell you this folks but the King Arthur stuff is just another prologue about the history of the Transformers. As for the stuff about the Transformers battling Nazis, it too is just another cop out.

The plot if I can actually write about it centers around Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), the inventor turned hero from "Age of Extinction", he now lives in a junkyard with Bumblebee (voiced by Erik Aadahl), his assistant employee, Jimmy (Jerrod Carmichael) and his other Autobot allies including Drift (voiced by Ken Watanabe), Hound (voiced by John Goodman), Crosshairs (voiced by John DiMaggio), Wheelie (voiced by Tom Kenny) and the Dinobots. Cade has also now become a wanted man for helping the Autobots and the U.S. government is hunting for him in the form of the TRF (Transformer Reaction Force). The good robots are against the evil robots and America hates all of them for causing for so much destruction to their world. The only solution to rid of the robots is to declare war on all of the Transformers because yeah, like that will cause the robots to go away.

Where is Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) in all of this, well he's still in space trying to find his so-called Creators. When Optimus arrives back on Cybertron, he finds his homeworld in shambles and he comes across an evil squid-like alien sorceress named Quintessa (voiced by Gemma Chan). Optimus gets captured by the evil sorceress and she brainwashes him to do her evil bidding. She explains that in order to save Cybertron, Optimus must recover a talisman and a staff which were used by the twelve Transformer knights of Iacon in their alliance with King Arthur (Liam Garrigan) and his wizard, Merlin (Stanley Tucci, who appeared in the last "Transformers" movie as a different character) to defeat the Saxon army back in Medieval times. Getting confused yet?

Back on Earth, upon hearing that Cade has the talisman, the TRF led by commander Santos (Santiago Cabrera) and U.S. colonel and former Autobot ally, Lennox (Josh Duhamel) believe it or not strike a deal with Megatron (voiced by Frank Welker) to recover the talisman in exchange for releasing a "Suicide Squad" of his Deception allies from prison. Are all you military personnel and commanders f$&@ing morons! Donald Trump was right, I guess he does know better than the generals. Heck, even President Kevin James from "Pixels" would follow better military protocols than these idiots. Michael Bay I know you love the military because you keep telling us that by showing multiple shots of American flags but have you read any information about U.S. military protocols and decisions at all? He should know all of this because Bay previously helmed "13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi" last year.

The TRF and the Deceptions manage to track them down but they get outnumbered by the Autobots because well they have prehistoric allies at their side. After escaping from the TRF and Megatron, Cade encounters Cogman (voiced by Jim Carter, Mr. Carson from "Downton Abbey"), a green robotic butler who serves under a British Lord named Sir Edmund Burton (Hopkins). Cade and Bumblebee travel to England with Cogman where Burton arranges a meeting with him and Viviane Wembly (Laura Haddock), an Oxford University professor who likes to wear a push-up bra. Burton explains to Cade that he is the chosen one in dedicated to protecting the secret history of the Transformers. BS! What's Viviane's purpose to the story, we find out that she is a descendant of Merlin. Also BS! The third act of the movie takes place in Stonehedge where Quintessa and the rogue Optimus Prime plan to scrape the remains of Cybertron onto Earth so that it can live. In other words, our planet is totally screwed unless Cade, Viviane and Bumblebee do something about it and snap Optimus out of his brainwashed state.

The climactic battle seems to go on forever, Optimus Prime (Spoiler Alert!) makes the same goddamn sucky speech at the end, the characters are never engaging and of course, the screenplay is about as incomprehensible as a Grade 11 science exam. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about the spunky female orphan. She's played forgettably by Isabela Moner and the movie completely forgets about her for most of the second act. French actor and "Intouchables" star Omar Sy and Steve Buscemi also voice some Autobots and "The Last Knight" has another returning player, John Turturro who literally phones it in from Cuba. Turturro may have had a nice vacation but did he actually read the script? Another recurring theme appears in "Transformers: The Last Knight" and that is so much screaming and yelling. For example, when Mark Wahlberg returns to his junkyard Autobot hideout, he's like marching through and yelling at everybody because just like every actor in a Michael Bay production, he turns into a 10-year-old boy with self-destructive anger issues.

Director Bay (Armageddon, The Rock, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys, Bad Boys II, Pain & Gain, Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Transformers: Age of Extinction) and his team of six editors do their absolute best to make sparks and explosions fly all around the screen but it's just too much. "Transformers: The Last Knight" is not only one of the more confusing, grating and numbing films I've seen, it also shows how tired and repetitive this series has become. "The Last Knight" is fifteen minutes shorter than the last "Transformers" installment and it's not as painful as "Revenge of the Fallen" and "Age of Extinction" were but these movies are still crappy garbage and they keep getting worse.

Both Michael Bay and Mark Wahlberg have stated that this will be their last "Transformers" film, I hope they keep their word because if not than the next "Transformers" sequel will probably be the exact same formula again and I can't keep up with this series any longer because I don't get how people get through these movies. "The Last Knight" will no doubt generate big box office overseas but Michael Bay's latest big-budget behemoth is dull, noisy and beyond disjointed.