Review of Twilight (1969) by James M — 02 Mar 2013

The enjoyment factor of this movie depends heavily on whether or not you've read the Stephanie Meyer novels. If you haven't, you're pretty much screwed because you won't have a clue what's going on.

I haven't read the books because they appeal more to teenage girls rather than thirtysomething heterosexual males like myself, so I can only review this film based on it's cinematic merit. It doesn't look good.

I attempted to watch this three times and fell asleep during the first two attempts because it's just so boring and disingenuous.

Before I get hate mail from 15-year-old girls, I'll explain...

This isn't an adaptation for the screen, it's merely an accompaniment for the successful novels. There is no great build up of characterisation or back story, the characters just exist because they do. And their actions happen because they do. In a nutshell, Bella Swan (Stewart) falls in lust with the CREEPIEST guy in her new school, Edward Cullen (Pattinson), who's basically a stalker but it's okay because he's really an age old glittery vampire. He saves her from getting squished by a token black guy's terrible driving and getting attacked by three guys who have 'vile, repulsive thoughts' about her (Pasty-faced Eddie can read everyone's thoughts except Bella's, presumably because she's incredibly vacuous with absolutely no personality).

He then gives her a 100mph piggy back up a mountain so he can shit all over centuries of vampire folklore.

The acting is about the same quality as you'd witness in GCSE Drama Class, the dialogue is delivered as though it was read in a script, memorised and spoken, rather than flowing naturally. Not that the dialogue is anything to write home about.

Kristin Stewart goes through the entire movie with only two expressions, the first being a vacuous pensive look, supposedly to evoke the feeling of dramatic tension, and the second being a masterclass in "eyebrow scowling". In fact, her acting is so terrible, she can't even put ketchup on a portion of chips without hamming (seriously, it's true).

Robert Pattinson is actually very good at perfecting Derek Zoolander's pout, but I doubt that's what he was going for. Seriously kids, Edward Cullen an absolute douche, and if anyone in real life shared his character traits, he's be branded a psycho, not a protagonist.

If I haven't touched on it earlier, the chemistry between these two characters exists because it does.

As for the production values: The direction is poor, provoking a thought that Catherine Hardwicke should have seen a few vampire films prior to directing one. Everything else is amateur, from the misty-wreathed mountain cinematography to the pasty makeup and low-budget CGI effects (particularly the 'action' sequences where you can still make out the wires flying the cast around the set). The suicidal editing and sound mixing are also an amateurish low (you can hear dialogue when actors mouths aren't moving, and vice versa).

I actually think this amongst the worst movies ever made and I couldn't bear to put myself through another 4 movies. Fans of the books, teenage girls and people with no concept of what a proper romance movie should contain will probably love it. I thought it was 2 hours of absolute shit.