Review of Universal Soldier: The Return (1999) by Scott P — 05 Apr 2016

This movie is just awful, and I have a bit of history. First of all, I liked the first Universal Soldier, Lundgren vs. Van Damme, one liners, good sets, quick pace competent screen fighting, it was pretty good, very sequel worthy. So, I was a little excited to see the second one despite the fact that I never liked Bill Goldberg the wrestler, mostly because his moves suck, but also because he couldn't act. But playing a regenerated dead soldier in a movie seemed like one role that he couldn't mess up. But then this movie happened, and it almost killed a promising franchise. It is one of those movies about a super computer that doesn't look like a computer, it's a rotating cube in a glass bubble or some shit that becomes self-aware and tries to take over the world or kill a bunch of people, it's been done a million times and usually pretty poorly.

At the time of The Return's release, I didn't realize that a 2nd and 3rd Van Dammeless Universal Soldier movies had been released, and it doesn't much matter. The Return was playing at Seattle's Northgate cinema, a single feature cinema that is no longer in existence. I tried to get a summer job there after my Freshman year in college, hoping to see Universal Soldier: The Return for free, or actually get paid to see it. I didn't get the job, never paid to see it. Rented it one time, thought it sucked, then I bought one of those compilation DVDs that they sell for five bucks in a basket near the checkout stand at a one-stop-shop's electronics section. I thought it would be worth some small fraction of five bucks to re-watch it, but not only was I wrong, I feel that I was wronged. THIS MOVIE SUCKS.