Review of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) by Jake C — 19 Aug 2018

The visuals are indescribably imaginative, surreal, and kinetic-while the plot is indescribably overloaded and convoluted, the casting and performances indescribably ill-thought out, and the dialogue indescribably stilted and dull.

Perhaps with a cleaner, sharper screenplay that had gone beyond its first draft to work with, these actors might have been able to give life to these generic, shallow characters; but if the likes of Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman couldn't improve the similarly stiff prequels, than it's no surprise that this gallimaufry of jazz legends, pop stars, and fashion models fail so dramatically.

Seriously, what is with the eccentric, erratic casting? Herbie Hancock, Cara Delevingne, and Rihanna are each massive stars, so it's not like they came along on a budget; rather, my guess is that the filmmakers tried to stuff the credits with as many aliens to Hollywood as the story's space station had extraterrestrials.

Unfortunately, the effect is the opposite: Where as the latter makes for a wonderfully creative computer-generated spectacle, the former ends up being so mechanical and artificial that it bombs spectacularly.

Nonetheless, the inventiveness is truly breathtaking and the optics wondrous, so lovely to look at that you're practically willing to overlook how appallingly dumb the rest can be.